Maybe some of you can relate to this. I have lost and gained the same twenty pounds several times over the years. I’m only five feet tall so twenty pounds make a big difference in the way I feel and the way that clothes fit me. Right now I’m on an upswing, as in I’m actually overweight according to my BMI. In the interest of simplicity I’m just going to put the real numbers right out there.
Age 18: 105ish pounds. Lauren, look how young and fabulous we look!
Facebook didn’t have photos (except for profile pictures) until I was like a junior in college, so I don’t have very many pictures of the in-between here. I didn’t gain any weight my freshman year when I lived in the dorm, but after I moved off campus it was a slow and steady increase that continued through grad school.
Age 23: 138 pounds. Ugh, this is not a flattering picture but all the ones I liked were from the shoulders up. I wonder why.
I lost twenty pounds in a year for our wedding. I still wasn’t going to fit into my prom dress, but I was okay with that. I felt like this was a healthy weight for me.
Age 24: 118 pounds
I actually kept the weight off for over a year after we got married. But in the summer of 2010 I started a new job that had me based out of my car instead of an office. I started eating a lot of fast food lunches and my weight crept back up. By the time I got pregnant with Jack the next year I was back to 138.
Age 26: 138 pounds
Surprisingly, I actually did not gain an unreasonable amount of weight when pregnant. I don’t know how because my sugar cravings were so intense that I was practically diabetic. Jack was born at 8 pounds 15 ounces.
9 months pregnant: 165 pounds
I was amazed to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight by my six week checkup. Don’t let the flattering angle of this photo fool you. I had some junk in my trunk. 138 pounds is still overweight for my height.
A few months postpartum (age 27): 138 pounds
With breastfeeding and halfhearted efforts to watch what I was eating I managed to lose another ten pounds.
May 2013: 128 pounds
But I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was all those half price shakes from Sonic that Nick brought home to me all summer, maybe it was all those deliciously cold beers I treated myself to after Jack was in bed for the night, maybe it was the Zoloft I’ve been taking for the last six months, or that I went from nursing Jack every couple of hours to only twice a day. I gained ten pounds this summer and I. Am. Miserable.
September 2013: 138 pounds
Out of focus and there’s a weird look on Jack’s face. This was the best self-portrait I could do at 8am with a toddler underfoot.
I’m not asking for advice, but encouragement. I know how to lose weight. I’ve done it before. Part of me wonders if the fact that I keep returning to this exact same weight is a sign that it’s just what I was meant to weigh, but I don’t like it. This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about wanting to lose weight and it probably won’t be the last, but I feel like making my intentions public helps motivate me in some small way to make it happen. Thanks for reading, y’all, and if you’ve had similar struggles I’d love to hear about it.